I’m back. Probably not permanently, but we’ll see. I’ve had bits of a post swirling about in my head for a while now, and thought I should get it down on paper (or at least screen) while I still know what I want to say. Apologies for the long, rambling nature of what follows.
I stopped blogging for various reasons, the main one being that I just didn’t know where I fitted in anymore in the (hideous phrase) feminist blogosphere. When I started this site I was fairly certain I knew what was what. Pornography and prostitution hurt women – all women. The feminist sites I visited confirmed and supported my beliefs. I identified, if not as a radical feminist, then as something pretty close.
Then all hell broke loose. As someone relatively young and without a long history in the feminist movement, the ’sex wars’ were new to me, and I didn’t like what I was seeing. Suddenly I was being told that some sexual acts, even between consenting adults, were disgusting and wrong – that anyone who confessed to liking them was a liar, a ’sexbot’, a victim of opression or simply not a feminist. Bloggers and commenters that I had previously thought of as liberal began espousing opinions that could just as easily have come from the Christian right.
It didn’t stop at sex. I learned that to be a true feminist I had to question every action, every thought, every aspect of my life. I could shave my legs, but only if I felt guilty about it. My love of clothes was not a positive thing, a sign of my growing confidence and love of my body – it was capitulating to patricarchal norms. Even my attraction to men came into question – apparently the more feminist ‘choice’ (as if sexual orientation is a bloody choice)was to opt for lesbianism. I began to question what I believed, and where my place was in this whole mess.
What I disliked most, I think, wasn’t the opinions in themselves, but the sheer bitterness and hostility directed at other women by bloggers whom I’d previously admired. If we were against porn because it hurt women, why was I seing post after post attacking women for their choices? Surely this hurt them too? I saw blogs I’d loved crack under the strain and disappear. I joined them, not because I’d come in for any personal abuse (unlike some), but because I no longer wanted to be part of a community that was tearing itself to pieces.
Although I stopped writing, Icontinued to read feminist blogs, including those of (for want of a better term) sex-positive feminists. While I disagreed with them – sometimes strongly – about certain issues, I found that there was plenty of common ground between us, particularly when it came to ideas of choice and bodily autonomy. Most importantly they agreed with me that attacking, belittling and insulting women was not, and never would be, feminism.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my beliefs, and I’m a little clearer about where I stand now. I’m not a radfem, and I don’t think I ever was, but nor am I at the other end of the spectrum. I’m in no-man’s land, poised between the trenches and watching the battle. It’s not a great place to be, but I’d rather be watching the battle than taking part. After all, this fighting is such a waste, when there are so many more important fights to be won. All over the world women’s rights are being denied and their bodily autonomy threatened. Why then are we attacking each other?
Unless we call a truce, it’ll be too late. One day we’ll switch off our computers, rejoin the real world and discover that while we’ve been fighting over who’s a better feminist, the real battles have already been lost.
We’re all feminists. Let’s not forget it.
